i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
porn star boner night. come get it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
