can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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