Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
