the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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