My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
