You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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