I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
