You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize