I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
