I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
