Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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