12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
