I am puke
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
