my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
