i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize