Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
