I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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