i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
