Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
