after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Naked. naked and bneed help.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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