I wish I could teleport
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
