No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
