I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
