you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
