My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
