we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
