I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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