the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
