return my video game
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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