It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
