how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
