I bet he comes in French.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
