it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
