I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
