You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
