last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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