Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
