Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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