My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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