If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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