Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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