at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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