No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
