If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
