I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
