Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
