You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
