Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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