you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I touched a dick in church today
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
