I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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