She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
