hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
