guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
