Don't you send me to vm
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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