Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
