apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My balls are so social today.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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