i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
