It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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