Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
